I tend to go to the backrooms where old, old stuff are kept. Maybe even forgotten. Or dismissed as irrelevant by the owners.

Maybe they are irrelevant. But I'm not going to be self-reflesive about it today. Flipping through old photo albums. Rummaging folder after folder, watching endless slideshows. Something he never understood. To be honest, I don't really understand it either.

Yesterday, I opened the door and couldn't stop. Before I knew it, I was almost halfway into the musty room. I only stopped because I had to eat.

Today, I decided to run all the way to the far end. I started with the first--thought it'd be interesting to see the.. changes. If any. Ha. Ok, stop. I won't go there.

Today, I stopped because I've made... a few startling discoveries.

For one, I was surprised to find my own name peppered randomly. It was a little cringing to go through. What he probably didn't know then was that I was there all along, all the time, even in my silence.

And then, I cringed at my ignorance. Perhaps even pretentiousness. Ha, ha. Fancy that. But maybe that's not the right word. What struck me was how most of it were full of stupid wordplay. It was cringingly childish.

At this distance, now, I could see the tiny specks of optimism struggling to burst into flames. I am startled to discover a person who believed in beauty. Or rather, believes.

[[Wasn't it just a moment before when I asked for God to show him beauty and open his heart to joy? Maybe that discovery was God's assurance for me, then.]]

After only just a month, I started to wonder just how much (or little, as the case may be) I really know this person.

To be accurate, this 'wondering' was a loud blaring that shouted and wouldn't go away. It made me kind of sad.

It was startling to read familiar phrases, too.

I found that 'Merry May' existed long before the folder was transferred to my desktop.

It was all a little too much. I left, thinking how I should be more responsible with what's been left for... ha, "ravens to pick at".

You know, 'responsible' like... I should be trusted not to delve, dig, revive, pick at, etc, that which has been left accessible.

I'm tired. And I'm feeling, maybe, a little sad. Though maybe I have no right to be.