I really, really want to blog more, but I always can't seem to remember the things that struck me through the day. You know, those odd little phrases and pseudo-epiphanies.

There are a lot of things to account for, and Time is barely giving me enough room to breathe and live. Is this how it is going to be, and worse? Does Time press us all on mundanely as we get older?

Snatches of time hardly allows for any meaningful discussion. Why do we allow pride and preoccupation with 'tasks-at-hand' to make things worse?


I do not believe in habitual drifting. I do not believe in jaded realism. Cynicism is probably the new cool, but what is cynicism, really? A thinly veiled excuse for pessimism and apathy, I think. Possibly also fear. Cynical people are often fearful of believing in general goodness, preferring instead to scorn in a bid to protect their fragile hopes.


I am also getting lulled into the Big Lie that says This Is How Things Are Supposed To Be. I want to snap out of it and get back into the idealistic groove that is the real me. That is what I brought into the relationship, and that is what I intend to infect him with. In this case, I think mine is the better way.

Focus, that is all I need. And to continually put my private wounds aside--smiling with a shard through the heart--isn't that what I used to be good at? Anyway, this is not supposed to be angsty.


I also sometimes wonder why it seems I was a better person before I accepted Christ. I have a theory that maybe it's because the juxtaposition of good versus evil makes the evil more apparent. Maybe. But it still bothers me that I seem to be becoming a worse person than before.

Wonder what's going on.