i'm so scared about my exchange to waterloo.

the biggest question is: WHY SHOULD I GO?

FOR WHAT?

and i've finally realized what's been bugging me so long, like a leaden weight in my brain, why i am hesitant about going, because finally, ultimately, it comes down to this:

I don't think I deserve to go.

put another way:

I haven't earned the right/privilege to go.

...

and.

they're doing so many wonderful things there--touring, seeing the places, discovering new things, embarking on new adventures...

it's so sad because i can't do all those things with people i love. i can't discover new things WITH them; the immediacy is just so... refreshing, like water from the spring.

what's the point of enjoying all those things alone? not being able to relish and savour the experience with loved ones?

i'll be discovering all those new things and having fun AND missing the fact that you're not there to share all that wonderful stuff with me.

that my sister and noobie brother and parents can't feel all that re-energizing for themselves.

and the air tickets. it's driving me nuts. what the hell is a travel agent?

i want to cook meals with you. see places, go places, eat new stuff, go skiing, with you; hold your hand while the niagara sprays fall lightly on our faces.

then again it'll be winter; so maybe the niagara will all freeze up.

who'll i snuggle up to when it's cold and dreary and you're a thousand miles away?