Thursday, August 18, 2005
I feel slightly strange; like I just emerged from a space shuttle, all my body mechanisms disoriented, voices around me like baubles under water. Nothing strikes me, and nothing impacts me. A punch may swing by my face and I think I might just have looked blankly at he who swung the punch. All I hear is a strange muffled plea that is inaudible and indiscernible; like having a bomb explode in your ear and after that all you hear are dulled, sluggish drawls that don't make sense.
I feel like I can sink into all my books and never emerge again. I fear a cave-in like that in Miller's Canticle for Leibowitz--the sand and dust never settling around me and I shalt be trapped to flail in the earth's grainy veil till my eyes are full of dirt; the dark hole in which I fall shall be only felt by sandy mist.
How, how.
I don't know why I feel like this.
Slip, slip.
Slipping away.
I'm losing the grip, I'm down from a high,
And I don't know what to do. [in slightly pathetic, straining Blunt]
Keening, keening.
I feel nauseous and faint. Bile keeps creeping up in me and I'm disgusted. I feel like I ran a race and at the finishing line ran into a wall.
Rushed, rushed; and an unwilling, hurried goodbye. And all for naught. Time I want to give rejected; gifts I wrapped sit neglected in a bland corner weeping because Christmas never came. Naught, naught; all for naught.
In my mind I fold my arms and look down on myself condescendingly smirking body in profile nose in the air a sniff a whiff or two and fix a steely gaze right back at myself kneeling on the barren earth wide eyes full of plea crying out please! please! don't do this! have mercy on me!
Typing that, I think I (still) am traumatized by Ro.
It is unsettling and gruelling and I think almost cruel how I feel myself rationalizing things irrevocably and instinctively, like I'm a bystander in my life watching my brain tick away and being absolutely powerless to stop that incessant winding winding tick tock tick tock click click click pounding pounding in overdrive and the only thing I feel that silent figure that is me do is watch and inexorably fade fade fade away.
