I cried at a church service today.

I'm not sure why I cried. I think the music had a lot to do with it. And the service as a whole. I've been to several services and they've all been quite moving and poignant for me, but this is by far the most emotional experience for me.

A lot of things went through my mind. Halfway through the sermon, I suddenly realized I was very at peace--HAVE been very at peace. Ever since I made the new group of friends, my heart felt less turbulent. I'm not sure if it's because suddenly I felt a solid support group who multiplies and strengthens their faith in something beyond themselves and took comfort in that, or is it because I am really taking this break for myself now and distangled myself from a trudging relationship?

"When we die, we have to give an account of our lives to God."

I cried because I felt, that I've fallen. I can't even give account for my life to ME, much less to a higher Being. I felt that I have been too irresponsible in my relationship with Ridz--that I have been incapable of handling his love, that I have been clumsy with his heart. I can't account for why I hurt him the way I did, nor can I account for the way I dallied for so long with myself. I can't account for why I made myself so miserable, why I can't give my everything to him, why I failed in the relationship. Yes, I've come to realize I failed.

I've come to realize I am bad with Love. I am torn and sometimes I hate myself because I feel that I just can't love. I can't 'give my heart and soul' to someone simply because I don't know where my 'heart' is. I feel horrible. I don't know why I just can't.

And there is just no sense of judgement from the people in the service. I felt so ashamed of my own petty judgements of people from day-to-day. I felt like a petty, insignificant, little, bitch. I could've stained my skirt just now, worn completely shoddy clothes, had greasy hair, bad acne problems, etc etc, and still feel that those people there accepted me as I am. I felt ashamed of that, but I also felt overwhelmed.

And I kept thinking about Q and his comment previously about God being sufficient for him. For a brief moment, and I really would rather not say this, but I felt that I would like to surrender and say Yes, please, let me rest for a while at Your feet, that I am truly tired now, that I have been living a life that I mostly cannot account for.

And I cried because I found that I still cannot make myself walk down there and accept Christ. The pastor made several appeals but I was stoic in my seat. There are still a lot of things I don't agree with, a lot of things that I am still extremely skeptical about, and I don't want to get so overwhelmed by my emotions that I make this impulsive decision. I think my heart said a prayer that I wasn't even conscious of. I think my heart asked for patience from Him, to give me time and to not let others pressure me. I think my heart asked that He not force/pressure me but please to just sit up there and watch me and be patient.

I still believe that there is a God, as in a Supreme Being. But I still have problems believing and accepting that that God, that Supreme Being, is Jesus Christ and negate all other religions/faiths. And I am still uncomfortable with how Christians almost always have a ready 'response' for all my queries and doubts, like how they almost always have a way of getting and talking round my doubts. It sometimes make me wonder even, why some of their responses have come to sound so scripted to my ears. I think they are well-meaning and just want to clarify my doubts and clear my 'misconceptions'; but I still can't shake the feeling that they always have to 'counter' until I have no questions left.

Oh well.

I'm tired. And quite drained. I think I'm hungry too. Haha.

The individual parts for the Deviance project are still not in. Crap. I am doing the 'blending' of the jigsaw. What a bullshitty job. WHY DID I VOLUNTEER!!!! Because I am arrogant enough to think that I can squeeze an A out of this mess. What absolute arrogance. Bleah. Looks like a monumental task to me right now.

Sigh.