[The following is a rant. If you insist on reading, please reserve judgement because this is all One-Sided.]

School is going to start on Tuesday for me. Right now all I feel is a sense of alienation and isolation. I don't know who to turn to. I guess it's all my fault. Immersed in CoupleSlumberLand, I fear I have left some of my friends behind. Or outside. It's too hard to get in touch anymore. Any breath of fresh air and I cling to it desperately, unwilling to let go. My sudden dependence on any friend who passes by disgusts me. I don't like how it makes me feel like a pathetic loser who has no friends. What has become of me? Where is the old, me? I can't find her anymore and I feel so depressed. Will moving into campus accomodation make things better with all the new people around me? New possibilities? Or will all the foreign-newness make my loneliness more pronounced? I feel like a lost ship without an anchor, no longer sure of my initial destination, or if there was any in the first place. I no longer have the drive or the passion to do anything. I no longer find fulfilment in anything. A pale shadow of who I used to be? I don't even remember who I used to be. No. R.A. I don't know if you're pretending that everything is ok, or you are seriously clueless, which I seriously doubt. I don't want you to pretend anymore because you think I can't feel it, but I can. The pseudo-happiness, the giggles, the chirpiness, the bubbly-enthusiasm. It's all so put-on. It's draining me. I want to talk about what we're going to do. No time is ever the right time. I want to know where we're going. What we plan to do. We can't be singing our own melodies and hoping that one day both tunes would harmonize. We can't be 'doing our own thing' and hoping that one day maybe things would work out. Because they really won't. Relationships and friendships take work. You can't be always running away to sleep and thinking that once you wake up it'll be a brand new day. It'll be always the same old 'brand new day'. I'm tired. I know now I'm not as strong as I thought I am. I thought my threshold for 'holding out' is way up high. I am really, truly, feeling the drain. The ebbing of energy from my being. It's like my being is slowly being drawn out. I don't know what to do. Ending everything is the ultimate easy way out, but I don't have the courage to do that. All these uncertainty and emotional turbulence, I don't even know if you know the extent of how it is on my side. It must be difficult on yours. Our individual struggles are on two different scales. Yet in all these your resolve remain firm. What about mine? I don't know. Honestly, I don't know. I can't even answer the 'love' question anymore. I feel happy with you, but there's always the sense of foreboding, a sense of that dark, hovering cloud, ready to burst any moment. If this 'love hangover' is a phase we're supposed to get through together and emerge stronger, it's too damn confusing. And I don't know you anymore. I don't recognize this face. Sometimes I think you've become someone else. Yes, people change all the time. The only consistency in life is change. I would like to think army has done this to you. But if that is the case, it only shows how easily environments affect you and your tenacity. And that is not what I would like to think of you. But then, what?

Sigh.