When I read Man and Wife, this particular line struck me. I didn't write it down, but it was something like, "No matter what parents do, children always find a reason to love them."

And that is so true.

I had a talk with my dad yesterday and the line rang like an alarm in my head. The talk started off with the cursory questions that evolved into a pep talk about inter-racial relationships/marriages. Apparently he (accidentally?) went through my mobile inbox. And then it lead to guiding principles. In his universe, there is just no such thing as 'inter-racial' marriages. Race to him is like a totally different dimension of beings. Other races are like some other species of 'beings' to him. Mixing Chinese and Others is absolutely preposterous. It's Unnatural.

As the talk delve deeper, I became conscious that we were talking about much deeper issues. It became painfully obvious to me that in the deepest core of me and my dad, we clash. There is an inherent clash in our very 'core values'. It made me extremely depressed. Suddenly my dad was evolving into a totally different person right beside me. I always knew he was self-centred. But yesterday really opened up my eyes. It was, eye-popping--in more ways than one.

I couldn't accept that my vision of my dad was crumpling into just an illusion. The harsh reality of who he was begun to set in as he went on talking. I really couldn't cope. I couldn't breathe. I fought to keep my mouth shut and let him finish destroying his own image but in the end I still cut him off. I blurted out for him to "stop the discussion because I know what his stand is and he knows what my stand is and let's just stop the discussion because it was going to turn into something ugly and transform him into someone I don't know and I don't want that so let's just stop here". He was hurt, understandably.

I don't know what to say. Or what to do.

Or rather, maybe I am not brave enough to do what I have to do.

I started the discussion knowing full well what I want to do. Because I love my dad. And my family.

But my dad is not who I thought he was. I thought he loves me. For me. I thought he just wants me to be happy. And his incessant worries and fears are justifiably founded.

But no. My dad wants HIMSELF to be happy. He wants me to do what will make HIM happy. At the end of the day, it's all about, HIM.

And my firm resolve is shaken. I no longer felt that he was worthy of my sacrifice. If his racial prejudice and extreme discrimination was genuinely because he wanted me to be happy and he's convinced inter-racial marriages will make me miserable, I can deal with that. I can sacrifice my happiness for that and settle for 'the next best alternative'.

But he is not like that. He just IS prejudiced, and he just IS against inter-racial-anything, and he just does NOT want it to happen because it would make HIM unhappy. In short, he REALLY does NOT 'give a flying fuck' about MY happiness.

I am torn. Should I go on with my resolve and pray for him to want the best for me eventually/convince myself he really wants me to be happy but he somehow expressed it wrongly, or should I give up on him and be happy?

Either way, I will still be miserable.

"Children always find a reason to love their parents."
That is so. freakin'. true.