using a water jet to wash your genitals. it's a most weird sensation. always, always, when i do that, i feel the urge to throw up; always, always, when i do that, i feel disgusted and repulsed and revolted at all things sexual--sexuality, making out, making love, touching, kissing, hugging, being close, intimacy--i feel so strangled like i'm drowning in those images and memories. sometimes when it gets bad i feel like i have to cut off my breasts and tear out my hair and throw up all my insides until i can feel a hollow in the deep recesses of my tummy. and i can never do that, i did attempt to throw up once--opening up my mouth wide and forcing something out--but all i got was coughing and choking on the empty air that was coming out, and nothing more. i'd feel faint, and feel like puking even more, until i actually thought i felt all my dinner and lunch and what food i had in my tummy actually rise and travel up from my tummy to my throat. but there, it dies again.

what is going on. i don't understand.