feels like crap. everything is just whirling out of control. your worst fears do come true. it's a crap-shit thing. i cannot stand it the fact that i'm so fucking dependent on ridz. his every mood/word/movement/unspoken thought/every nuanced crap affects me. our lives have become so inter-woven with the tiniest details that it's scaring the shit out of me. i cannot cope with this level of emotional intimacy. i can't cope with this. it feels too fast, which is absurd in a way since it's been so long. it feels as though there's a lump at the base of your throat and a fist squeezing it forcing it out, as though something is trying to punch its way out of your chest through your mouth. i feel so constricted sometimes i can't breathe. i don't know what is wrong with me. the line between emotion and reason has blurred and blended and i no longer can tell one from another. on the one hand, by virtue of me speaking like this in a stream of consciousness, it's emotional; but the fact that my head is weighing everything that i say and checking it against, whatever, it's reason.

DAMNNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! school has friggin' started and this is the WORST time to have an emotional crisis.

-there is just NO ONE WORD to surmise how i feel, nothing, not damn, not darn, shit, crap, jeez, not even fuck. CRAPSHITDAMNNITUGH!-

AND i just missed the LAST round of bidding and i realized the popular SOCIOLOGY OF FAMILY is only going for ONE POINT. ONE FRIGGIN POINT ONLY! SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!