:: i feel so ordinary ::

[i feel so ordinary i could die.]

we always say that we should look at the bright side of things.
seeing rainbows after the rain.
grasping peace amidst the pain.

finding reason in all things unreasonable.

[i feel so crushed i could die.]

met a great admirer of mine today *dry laugh* and he saw me cry in coffeebean.
i cried so bitterly for all the reasons that made this world sometimes a hellish place.
i cried thinking of all we've shared, dreams we made, memories we created.
i cried wondering why there isn't any way out of such a labyrinth.
i cried at the thought of a long lonely road ahead.
i cried with the prospect of a lost battle.
i cried knowing that healing will take so much longer this time round.
and then i cried even harder because i also knew,
that this time,
again,
i'll be walking that journey alone.

and there's so much pain, so so much pain. my tears wouldn't stop falling and i still have to try and put on a brave front. but the pain was wrenching me apart inside. i just wanted to collapse into myself and bawl and wail and cry for all eternity until my dam was empty for all the reasons why this society is so conservative, so rigid, so unfair.

[those who say it's better to have loved and lost, obviously has never loved before.]

[please just let me die.]

oh god. what good reason can there be for such agony! why does the universal law of the world bring two people together, let them fall in love, and then refuse to give its blessings?

i asked that question. and i suddenly realized, there are so many answers.

but none of them make any sense to me.