hi joseph. i guess you'll never get to see this, but i'll write to you anyway. today, i had a dream about you, about us. it was so out of this world. we met at this function, a party of a friend's friend's friend, or something like that. i remember the instant connection that went through me the moment our eyes met. that instant recognition and memory of all that happened that flashed across your eyes, must have been reflected in mine as well. it was just like the movies, with all the melodrama, how the people swirling around us suddenly seemed to fade into a mass of uncomprehending blur, their voices droning on into a noisy hum.

suddenly thought of this line from a song by celine dion.."then you look at me... and i only see... what i have been searching for... i'm lost as can be... then you look at me... and i'm not lost anymore..."...

everything that happened after that was just a faint memory. the dream flashed to us walking to the buffet table to get punch. and suddenly flashed to a quiet spot, where all the hussle of the party was forgotten. of their own accord, our palms touched, and our hands linked together. i remember all that past confusion and devastation melting away. in my dream, i saw me leaning into you, and you held me. and everything was alright again. it was such a beautiful, simple moment of reconciliation, without any romantic or friendship undertones. it seemed like a moment suspended in time, in balance, in perfect neutrality.

and then i woke up. just like that. my little bubble of warmth, clarity, and perfection burst. i tried to go back to sleep, putting my head in the exact position, trying, in vain, to go back to the dream, to see your face again. i want to go back to the dream to feel the hurt melt away again. but, of course i couldn't. so i just lay there, on my bed, with class95 on the silly radio, tasting the dream, knowing all that happened will never be.

and the knowledge of that was unbearably painful. it's like a huge heavy weight on your heart, you can't breathe properly, you feel the tightness in the chest like you are going to cry, but the tears won't come to you. all that sadness, bottled inside, unable to escape.

dear joseph, if there was one wish i could have this morning, it would be for us to reconcile like in my dream, because this morning, all the buried feelings gushed back to the surface. it hit me with a realization that i miss your presence in my life.

-hugz- all i can do is to pray and hope that all is well and fine for you. :)
thank you for the wonderful moments.