:: university ::

i feel so stressed about university.
maybe i dun feel relieved about my resignation cuz of uni. it's like there're so many stuff to settle and my dad is totally not helpin at all. i feel so alone in all the uni prep stuff and really, really, juz... utterly alone. it's like. it juz sux big time. can i juz pack up my bags and go uni and start studying or sth. i dun like to do all these admin stuff. and suddenly i feel like such a grown up. and those stupid cpf stuff come streaming in. i dun even know if i'm supposed to do anything about them anot. and my dad when you ask him, nothin needs to be done until maybe you get a red letter or sth. yeah. oh screw it. i hate this manz.

and there're so many stuff to settle.

want to live in the hostel? no. not now. would love to get out of the house and indulge in my own independence. but no. firstly, the financial means are the most humongous headaches. and how abt the intangible factors like, leaving your family? it's like you're abandoning them to go live your own life. there's nth really wrong with that cuz, ultimately, you live your own life. but that's not the way of life here in singapore. they'd prob let you go if you really want to. they'd even sponsor you. but, there's just this naggin guilt pounding in your head when late into the nights you are all alone in your hostel room thinking about how they're doing and how you should be spending time with them instead of enjoying your own independence and living your own life the way you want to.

but that's sth you cant do anything about. it bugs me about how i want to go overseas and study and how they'd react if i told them. and after that how abt those dumb camps everyone is talkin about? seriously and most most truthfully, i really dun give a damn abt those camps. the sole and only reason why i'd go to ANY of those camps is to raise my profile and the ONLY reason why i'd want to do that is because i would want to join the union and run for presidency. but other than that i really dun give a damn. and why would i want to join the union? i dunno. ridz inspired me i guess. you could say he planted that seed in my head. i was so sure i wouldn't even think abt joining it after council. but more importantly, i would want to join the union becuz i dunno how i'd feel if i see them organizing stuff and runnin the show and i'm not part of all those leadership. i know i'd definitely feel some regret that, like, why am i not there? i belong there, i belong in those kinda organizations, so what the hell am i doin bein part of the major complainin crowd of students? ....................but why would i not want to join the union then?.... cuz i truly, just want to study. from the bottom of my heart, i just want to give my heart and soul, FOR ONCE, to my studies and get the kinda grades i truly am capable of. i dun want to have to dream and dream and dream and string my parents along only to drop the bomb at the very last second. i've done it once. and i've done it twice. i really, d-o-n-t want to do it again. ............i dun even want to be high profile and in the spotlight in uni anymore. i just want to be a normal kid. ..........sigh. but there's this BONE in me that screams in protest. ha. oh screw it. sigh. wont someone PLEASE enlighten me? sigh.

oh and the most important thing i havta do in uni is to join a sport stuff. hee. seriously, losing weight is going to be one of the stuff i have to do. hahahaha. been saying that for ages and ages but, you juz see the flab growing. LOL. bleahzzz. anywayzz... i wanna do drama too. and definitely sports. prob go back to squash, or some water sports. i'm ADDICTED to water sports even tho my ULTIMATE phobia is Sharks. i hyperventilated once watching JAWS. how embarrassing is THAT. Grinz. hee.

AND the most PISSING thing about goin uni is that i found out, to my utter disgust, that SUDDENLY the WHOLE WORLD wants to major in LIT. i mean like, oh COME ON. how the hell is it the case that EVERYTIME i want to do something EVERYONE suddenly wants to do it too!??!?!?!?!!?!? HUH!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? it is SO disgusting ok esp when i hear people say "oh i want to do lit cuz...it's so cool you know.. and people think it's so chim n everything..". like, D-U-H?!?!?!? get a life my GOD. yucks.

SIGH. .... thats about the tip of the iceberg that's in my mind i guess.... whew... what a long rant. grinz. hee. sighhhh... haha. oh well.

uRghzz. disgustingzzzzz!!!.. bleahzz!