:: tranced ::

i'm not connecting with anyone anymore. what is wrong with me. days seem to pass me by in complete obscurity. it's as though i'm livin' everyday in a fog. a mist. amidst a fog. i'm walkin' on the sidewalk, my feet touches the concrete, step step step, but i don't feel the hard reality. i pass people by -- middle aged women with their age creepin slowly up on them evident in the rounds on their waists; the little children held by the hands, their eyes opened in wonder and bewilderment; old men hunching slowly by; young males fired up with testerones leerin' n chasin' skirts; mismatched clothes, all red and green and purple and orange; bright blue stripes with neon pink skirt and a butterfly stitched clumsily by the side.

these people, i see yet i do not see. i pass them by, blindly, aimlessly, theirs are juz transient faces that float or hurry by. i see you ma'am, do you see me as i see you ma'am. walk on. walk on. trees by the sidewalk. cars crawlin'. cars zoomin'. cars blowin' their impatient horns.

there're too many many many many many many people. they come in multitude and great despondent numbers. we see everyone. everyone sees everyone. i see you ma'am. but we dont see anyone. god god god god god my god. maybe this is madness. and so the Fool says, "Reason in Madness". maybe i'm going insane. i eat; i sleep; i dream; i wake; i bathe; i stone; i kiss; i walk; i talk; i breathe; i teach; i dress. i eat beefy meatballs; i sleep restless nights; i dream nightmares of people hunting me down; i wake with fistful hair and tortured tears; i bathe in cold apathy; i stone in my memory warehouse; i kiss with fervent passion; i walk with eyes not seein'; i talk so everything seems as tho they're ok; i breathe, in out in out; i teach to distract; i dress cuz i cant do otherwise.

.blinding tears.unshed.sigh.bleah.z.z.

and if you were me what would you do? i'd indulge in this sleak indolence for a moment. but the moment seem so long to go. people must feel this way too. and what'd they do? dream up a vacation or run away, hide in truckloads and busloads of work. no time, they say, no time to indulge. oh damn. damn damn damn damn damn.

why would we want to live this way anyway? why do people go on livin'? what is livin'? seems to me, we come to this earth cryin', and everyone around smilin'; and we leave this earth smilin' (hopefully), and everyone around cryin'. seems to me, that we arrive here, and then it's an endless pursuit of EVERYTHING. everythin' spiritual, material, physical, social. we struggle to get by, some of us. an then some in luxury pursue more luxury. and so it goes. on and on and on and on and on and on and on. till the day we stop pursuing, suddenly at one old point we see the light of everythin'. and so we lay back and smile at those who continue to pursue. and chase. and dream. and we sit back. and smile. and wonder at the younger times. and then we wait for eternal rest.

isn't livin' all a chore? it's almost like a work, a job, a lifetime career. a lifetime career to LIVE. and then at day's end, the only motivation is the rest and peace at day's end. and Life's end. ....yet these are all made significant because of memory. we strive to work and to pursue and to achieve because, if at the very very very least, we OURSELVES remember where we came from and where we eventually end up. and so it is. the only difference is that memory. that memory which you wanna make good for urself, or for the others. Or simply to juz disregard.

oh well. and so they say, all the world's a stage. so how come this stupid play is staged in never-never land?